wat bout pragnant strippers??
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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