woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
