I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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