I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
