How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
