My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
