I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
