I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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