It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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