1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
