The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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