I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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