Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
