it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
