Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
