I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
