All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
