Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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