i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
