My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
