your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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