CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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