An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
