No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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