I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
