He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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