The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
