hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
