1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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