If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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