If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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