Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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