I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
