my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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