dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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