Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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