I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
