there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
