i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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