just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
