I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
