I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
