I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
porn star boner night. come get it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
