Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
