you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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