you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
