Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.