fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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