Texts From Last Night

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  (503): View more from Oregon

  What's wrong?

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Pussy.

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  (503): What's wrong? (1-503): Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans. (503): Pussy. http://tfl.nu/sltt
  Replies (18) Good night (891) Bad night (2239)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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  (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? http://tfl.nu/ajh1
  Replies (106) Good night (22950) Bad night (978)
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  (562): View more from California

  Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

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  (562): Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop http://tfl.nu/vzd0
  Replies (78) Good night (4639) Bad night (1266)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.

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  (201): I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside. http://tfl.nu/y1e3
  Replies (8) Good night (4836) Bad night (859)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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  (785): I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever. http://tfl.nu/2hpf
  Replies (38) Good night (13011) Bad night (1420)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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  (617): im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone. http://tfl.nu/veb9
  Replies (5) Good night (2657) Bad night (1863)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though

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  (732): Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though http://tfl.nu/qwoj
  Replies (4) Good night (847) Bad night (1483)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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  (803): I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it. http://tfl.nu/1xwb
  Replies (12) Good night (4332) Bad night (700)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.

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  (253): Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad. http://tfl.nu/4hs3
  Replies (13) Good night (640) Bad night (1627)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

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  (563): Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW! http://tfl.nu/5pvv
  Replies (3) Good night (671) Bad night (1026)
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  (661): View more from California

  And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"

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  (661): And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first" http://tfl.nu/snox
  Replies (3) Good night (1034) Bad night (702)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.

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  (713): The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross. http://tfl.nu/mx32
  Replies (3) Good night (666) Bad night (465)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door

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  (336): We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door http://tfl.nu/uhw2
  Replies (4) Good night (483) Bad night (1096)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...

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  (313): You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing... http://tfl.nu/xgjw
  Replies (2) Good night (448) Bad night (967)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!

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  (765): DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings! http://tfl.nu/kzfb
  Replies (5) Good night (668) Bad night (246)

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