i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!