non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
