so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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