I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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