Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
