I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
