is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
