I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
