im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
