They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
