they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Of course I have a pirate flag
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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