Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
