I wish life had little blips of pornography
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
