my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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