Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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