eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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