The maid of honor just puked.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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