He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
