I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
