i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
